Quotation from: Lord Jim

Written by: Joseph Conrad


'I sat thinking of him after the French lieutenant had left, not,
however, in connection with De Jongh's cool and gloomy backshop, where
we had hurriedly shaken hands not very long ago, but as I had seen him
years before in the last flickers of the candle, alone with me in the
long gallery of the Malabar House, with the chill and the darkness of
the night at his back. The respectable sword of his country's law was
suspended over his head. To-morrow--or was it to-day? (midnight had
slipped by long before we parted)--the marble-faced police
magistrate, after distributing fines and terms of imprisonment in the
assault-and-battery case, would take up the awful weapon and smite his
bowed neck. Our communion in the night was uncommonly like a last vigil
with a condemned man. He was guilty too. He was guilty--as I had told
myself repeatedly, guilty and done for; nevertheless, I wished to spare
him the mere detail of a formal execution. I don't pretend to explain
the reasons of my desire--I don't think I could; but if you haven't got
a sort of notion by this time, then I must have been very obscure in
my narrative, or you too sleepy to seize upon the sense of my words.
I don't defend my morality. There was no morality in the impulse which
induced me to lay before him Brierly's plan of evasion--I may call
it--in all its primitive simplicity. There were the rupees--absolutely
ready in my pocket and very much at his service. Oh! a loan; a loan of
course--and if an introduction to a man (in Rangoon) who could put some
work in his way . . . Why! with the greatest pleasure. I had pen, ink,
and paper in my room on the first floor And even while I was speaking I
was impatient to begin the letter--day, month, year, 2.30 A.M. . . . for
the sake of our old friendship I ask you to put some work in the way of
Mr. James So-and-so, in whom, &c., &c. . . . I was even ready to write
in that strain about him. If he had not enlisted my sympathies he had
done better for himself--he had gone to the very fount and origin of
that sentiment he had reached the secret sensibility of my egoism. I
am concealing nothing from you, because were I to do so my action would
appear more unintelligible than any man's action has the right to be,
and--in the second place--to-morrow you will forget my sincerity along
with the other lessons of the past. In this transaction, to speak
grossly and precisely, I was the irreproachable man; but the subtle
intentions of my immorality were defeated by the moral simplicity of the
criminal. No doubt he was selfish too, but his selfishness had a higher
origin, a more lofty aim. I discovered that, say what I would, he was
eager to go through the ceremony of execution, and I didn't say much,
for I felt that in argument his youth would tell against me heavily: he
believed where I had already ceased to doubt. There was something fine
in the wildness of his unexpressed, hardly formulated hope. "Clear out!
Couldn't think of it," he said, with a shake of the head. "I make you
an offer for which I neither demand nor expect any sort of gratitude,"
I said; "you shall repay the money when convenient, and . . ." "Awfully
good of you," he muttered without looking up. I watched him narrowly:
the future must have appeared horribly uncertain to him; but he did not
falter, as though indeed there had been nothing wrong with his heart.
I felt angry--not for the first time that night. "The whole wretched
business," I said, "is bitter enough, I should think, for a man of your
kind . . ." "It is, it is," he whispered twice, with his eyes fixed on
the floor. It was heartrending. He towered above the light, and I could
see the down on his cheek, the colour mantling warm under the smooth
skin of his face. Believe me or not, I say it was outrageously
heartrending. It provoked me to brutality. "Yes," I said; "and allow me
to confess that I am totally unable to imagine what advantage you can
expect from this licking of the dregs." "Advantage!" he murmured out of
his stillness. "I am dashed if I do," I said, enraged. "I've been trying
to tell you all there is in it," he went on slowly, as if meditating
something unanswerable. "But after all, it is _my_ trouble." I opened my
mouth to retort, and discovered suddenly that I'd lost all confidence in
myself; and it was as if he too had given me up, for he mumbled like a
man thinking half aloud. "Went away . . . went into hospitals. . . . Not
one of them would face it. . . . They! . . ." He moved his hand slightly
to imply disdain. "But I've got to get over this thing, and I mustn't
shirk any of it or . . . I won't shirk any of it." He was silent. He
gazed as though he had been haunted. His unconscious face reflected the
passing expressions of scorn, of despair, of resolution--reflected
them in turn, as a magic mirror would reflect the gliding passage of
unearthly shapes. He lived surrounded by deceitful ghosts, by austere
shades. "Oh! nonsense, my dear fellow," I began. He had a movement of
impatience. "You don't seem to understand," he said incisively; then
looking at me without a wink, "I may have jumped, but I don't run away."
"I meant no offence," I said; and added stupidly, "Better men than you
have found it expedient to run, at times." He coloured all over, while
in my confusion I half-choked myself with my own tongue. "Perhaps so,"
he said at last, "I am not good enough; I can't afford it. I am bound to
fight this thing down--I am fighting it now." I got out of my chair and
felt stiff all over. The silence was embarrassing, and to put an end
to it I imagined nothing better but to remark, "I had no idea it was so
late," in an airy tone. . . . "I dare say you have had enough of this,"
he said brusquely: "and to tell you the truth"--he began to look round
for his hat--"so have I."

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